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sexy as loss

by Hillary Susz

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1.
grief dream 04:25
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I had a grief dream that I shot the president Took a room at a motel and turned on the TV My face grinned pale in that lonely screen not ready to admit I’d gone too far again So I walked through town wearing broken shades like a junkie cavalier Drank whisky soda with average monsters I wasn’t careful, wasn’t kind, no body, no mind, just the logic of dub music in the night All I needed was a memory of won bets, nights I never slept, waiting for the moon to set, thinking of you There was a siren light on a limousine in America at a funeral starting to end When I got to your apartment, those headlines were in your eyes as you said go now Go now Your dying mouth So I steal Air Force One To fly over gold To steal the weight of the world To land in the arms of sleep A smile on the cusp of things I’ve gone so far I’ve come so far I’ve gone so far I’ve come so far Without you
2.
it was affronting to discover... 04:25
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It was affronting to discover that you’re a monster Strange to know it, feel it so completely and do nothing but Watch you go by somehow closely We give so much to the ones we love And we betray just as much just to move forward You humiliated yourself Humiliated our love And I walked away with all my worst thoughts But thank you for the courage to die Now there’s room for all these things, even joy Fear oh fear is a circular craving Stuck watching, never touching but wanting to know How that night you became something else, forever Elemental like rock or wind or mythical like a... We give so much to the ones we love And we betray just as much just to move forward You humiliated yourself Humiliated our love And I walked away with all my worst thoughts But thank you for the courage to die Now there’s room for all these things, even joy I don’t want to turn the pain of losing you into anything else I’m not gonna turn you into anything else Not an addiction, not hating myself, not someone else I have it all Fuel for the fire We give so much to the ones we love And we betray just as much just to move forward
3.
kristen 04:32
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Kristen, you’re in your own nightmare now Suffering from the mood of a poor man’s house I wanna be the shadow that saves you, I wanna be the shadow that scares you, I wanna be the shadow that wakes you from that sadness I know so well I can break the plate and pull the fragments together I can look away and then I can look closer I can be the queen of most anything that crosses my path But Kristen with you I can’t I know you’re waiting with him Real love means the waiting is finished Kristen, I’m in my daydream now A lifetime away you still want me around With a warm buzz, lusty traffic downtown You’re confident as a gun and just as dangerous You’re my favorite lead, not a hard sell Making a curious song with that laughter I know so well I can break the plate and pull the fragments together I can look away and then I can look closer I can be the queen of most anything that crosses my path But Kristen with you I can’t I know you’re waiting with him Real love means the waiting is finished Kristen Kristen Kristen Ay yey yey yey yey Kristen Oh Kristen
4.
my own 05:36
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I have to learn in my body How to attach and name where I’m at In dimensions of mental and physical space I hardly know how to name I lost my love, I lost half myself I tried to pick up the pieces, see someone else But there are patterns at work I can hardly control It’s all here right now, the new with the old Can I face it, can I begin again, can I come to right where I am Ooo All I have to do now All I have to do All I have to do now All I have to do Is just learn the next part Just learn the next part To send me closer to My own voice I have to learn like this My gay hand on his chest I know this brings me closer to wilderness Only the mountain has lived long enough to listen I want to listen like the mountain to the true cry of the wolf Ooo ooo All I have to do now All I have to do All I have to do now All I have to do Is just learn the next part Just learn the next part To send me closer to My own voice My own voice My own voice My own my own my own my Oooo ooo My oooo oooo
5.
great secret 05:12
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Her eyes parachute down my style As I gamble away a dizzy smile Stopped, fluttering and febrile Starting to soften into the grief You’re kneeling in that great secret Confessional crying in our kiss Kneeling in that great secret As her body becomes a myth Incredible recollection surges through me Honeymoons I know are gone Cannot this blue feeling be the same as true love If both are apprehensions You’re kneeling in that great secret Putting the empty bottle down Kneeling in that great secret When you inbreed with suffering You get destroyed back into the structure of yourself If only we could be animals Born with the blink of an eye, always moving forward But time, love, isn’t long enough We’re both dead now Having had enough There’s something evil in me that loves honestly It’s made me the liar that I am I am doomed in all the normal ways As I fall in this dream again
6.
wings of something 05:01
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I laid my hand on hers Tiny, delicate, murderous Until now I never feared What we could create together She looks to me fascinated and savage Releasing an insidious poison All the way home the poison spreads I tell myself it doesn’t matter That we made love from midnight to three I tell myself it doesn’t matter Just the wings of something brushing by me Now I’m walking down Jenny street Blue eyes staring up at the blue sky She is not my friend anymore but something out of time Behind with what’s been lost or just ahead Like hope or a dream I tell myself it doesn’t matter That we made love from midnight to three I tell myself it doesn’t matter Just the wings of something brushing by me I tell myself it doesn’t matter That we made love from midnight to three I tell myself it doesn’t matter Just the wings of something brushing by me

about

sexy as loss is about, you guessed it, loss. Within one year, Hillary Susz was dumped, suffered a traumatic brain injury, and received a chronic illness diagnosis. Then the pandemic. When it rains it pours.

But sexy as loss is not a monotone blue chord. It's not a triumph story, either.

At the same time Susz was recording sexy as loss, she was also reading about quantum theories-- Einstein, black holes, time, deep space, entanglement. Atoms are entangled when information about one improves the knowledge of the other. It’s unknown if the information exchange occurs faster than the speed of light. It may occur instantly.

Of all the songs, stories, myths, and hymns that ask the ether in place of the other: Do you feel this too? Susz believes, yes. We’re all entangled. We aren’t made from nothing… but from centuries of biology and people and sensations and experiences.

There’s a preference for darkness and speed in our lives, which consequently fuels an addiction to hope, a faith that circumstances will improve. The truth is we never know. There is no cure for this diagnosis—and so what? Why fight pain when you can, instead, harmonize it… with everything?

This is sexy as loss.

credits

released March 3, 2023

Music, lyrics, guitar, and lead vocal by Hillary Susz
Arrangements, drums, and keys by Kyle Clark
Bass by Lyman Lipke
Vocal harmony and percussion by Clayton Underwood

Album art by Syd Kindberg

Recorded by Hillary Susz, Lyman Lipke, Clayton Underwood and KWC Studio
Mixed and mastered by KWC Studio in Overland Park, Kansas

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Hillary Susz Kansas City, Missouri

Hillary Susz is an independent artist based in Kansas City. Her distinctive alto vocals and effects-laden guitar work bypass conventional structure to deliver a truly unique narrative. The Wild Honey Pie calls her “…the love child between Sharon Van Etten and Angel Olsen.” ... more

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